BREAKING: BIG LOTS CLOSES!

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff

DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY

 

Staff photo.

Dozens Feared Trapped Inside, Still Waiting In Line

 

Discount retailer Big Lots, known for its discount merchandise, its lack of price tags on its discount merchandise or on the shelves where its discount merchandise is stocked, and its impossibly long, slow-moving checkout lines of customers trying to purchase its nebulously priced discount merchandise, has closed its Canoga Park location effectively immediately.

 
“Yeah, Danny, our cashier—he never came back from his fifteen, so we just decided to close up shop and board the place up,” says [former] Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda. “—because I sure as hell ain’t going to open another register.”

Discount retail experts estimate that up to forty customers, all likely muttering “Ridiculous!” under their breath, are presumed to be still waiting in line inside—many clutching items that would have required an overlong price check and the assistance of at least two additional employees, one of whom either called in sick that day or is on lunch.

 

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Correction: Turns out that no one is trapped inside, and Big Lots closure is likely due to an economic downturn and high inflation, coupled with increasing issues with theft from Canoga Park’s blossoming homeless population exploiting California’s Prop. 47 $950 merchandise free-for-all.  We regret the error.

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