Canoga Park Man Credits Girl Scouts For COVID-19 Preparedness

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE

A Canoga Park man says he’s grateful to the Girl Scouts for helping him prepare for the COVID-19 outbreak.

Teodor “Ted” Pasternak says he has West Valley troops to thank for all the extra groceries and supplies he stockpiled weeks ago that are now getting him through the current self-quaranisolation.

“The second I started seeing posts on Facebook and Nextdoor about ‘Girl Scout Cookie Season’ in late January, I ran out and bought everything I needed for the next three months — twelve cases of Spaghettios, eight cases of vodka, one package of toilet paper, everything a single guy could ever need.” says the recently unemployed pool filter assembler.  “That way I didn’t have to go back to grocery stores during the epidemic — the epidemic of pushy little girls harassing and hassling me once they set up their folding tables outside the front doors of these places, that is!”

Clockwise from top right: Off-brand cookies, random little girl, nourishing Spaghettios, Pasternak.

“Every year, there they are, ready to pounce, when you’re going in and when when you’re coming back out, with the ‘Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?’" Pasternak sneers.  "It’s like walking a frickin’ gauntlet. Look, those cookies aren’t cheap and every year the boxes gets smaller.  Five dollars?! Get outta here!”

Ironically, one thing the wonderfully misanthropic Pasternak did not stock up on was cookies. 

“And I could really go for some of those peanut butter cookies now. Not the ‘sandwich’ ones. Those are garbage. No, the patties — the good ones,” he says. “Dollar Tree sells the exact same cookies for a buck, thank God. I may be intimidated by a bunch of eight-year-old girls, but I'm no fool — I’ll take my chances against the virus for a package of those things! Hand me that face mask! I’m headin’ out!”