Dubious Charity Naively Expects Apathetic Residents To Eschew Curbside Disposal And Instead Lug Old Electronics To Inconvenient Parking Lot Collection Site

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff

DATELINE: BIG LOTS!

Civic-minded folks of the West Valley can finally get rid of that enormous broken television, or TV, set, those facsimile, or fax, machines obsolete since the early 1990s, their top-of-lap computers, or laptops, that they brought home from work but reported stolen after they didn’t know how to completely remove all the porn they downloaded onto the hard drives, or any other electronical junk, or e-waste, items they may have lying around.

“In the past, Canoga Park residents have had to deal with the back-breaking, interminable hassle of placing any bulky electronics out by the curb where they’d be picked up by local scavengers or eventually the Sanitation Department,” says Bert Frankel, president of US Pals Chamber of Commerce, a vaguely philanthropic-sounding organization that raises money for something or other.

Canoga Park residents tired of paying the high cost of dragging their shit out to the curb for free can
now recycle their electronics at no cost by lugging it over to a busy parking lot instead.  Staff photo.

“But with our two-day event, they need only drag the items out to the car, realize the trunk is already filled with other crap, pull all that crap out of the trunk and into the garage to make room, lift the item or items into the trunk, drive over to Big Lots, mention to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, wait for the collection specialist to look up from her phone, mention again to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, watch where our collection specialist briefly points before going back to her phone, and then lug said electronic items out of the trunk and over to the directed area,” he adds. “What could be easier?”

Frankel notes that US Pals will be accepting all kinds of e-waste items except for whatever you specifically show up with.  “No, I’m sorry, we don’t accept those,” he says.

The collection center will be in the Big Lots parking lot in the space formerly occupied by the half-dozen donation “sucker boxes” that were finally hauled off after the vandalism and trash caused by them became far too much trouble than they were worth. 

“We’re excited about raising money for, eh, ‘charity’ tomorrow and Sunday,” says Frankel, “and delighted that Big Lots is donating the use of their parking lot to do this.” 

Says Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda, “Wait, who’s doing what here this weekend?”