Spike in West Hills Crime Predicted For Today

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt.

DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS

A significant uptick in the daily amount of burglaries, mail theft, porch piracy and other crimes the West Hills area experiences is expected today, according to experts.

“We anticipate an increase in all of the problems West Hills has recently become famous for,” reports Senior Lead Officer Gus Lerner. “Expect the escalation to begin at approximately 9:05 a.m and continue until 11:43 a.m., with most of the incidents likely to occur specifically on or around 10:20 a.m.”

Image courtesy NASA.

A spokesprowler with the Association of West Valley Package Pilferers and Home Burglars confirmed the impending crime surge.  “Our members will be out in force [on Monday],” he says. “We figure there’s no better time to get in, get all that jewelry, electronics and credit cards — and then get out while everyone is outside gaping up at the sky. The diminished daylight can only help.

“Incidentally, that whole ‘don’t look directly at it’ crap is, uh, fake news. To truly enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime celestial event, we encourage everybody in West Hills to go outside and just stare at that eclipse. Really drink that bastard in with your eyes. Take your time — when you gonna see another one? And leave the front door open.”

West Valley Taggers Seek Funding For Innovative Startup Business

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff

DATELINE: DESOTO AVENUE

Canoga Park tagger BИW had just about enough. 

Ubiquitous local tagger BИW.

“What the f_ck, yo? They forgot the f_ckin’ eggrolls,” said the spray paint artiste as he rooted through a plastic bag from local business leader Mr. Stir Fry, a Chinese takeout restaurant on DeSoto Avenue at Nordhoff, in Canoga Park’s bustling DeSordhoff neighborhood. “This is like the fifth time they screwed up my order. Plus it took them for-f_ckin-ever to deliver an’ shit. How long does it take to drive from their f_ckin’ restaurant to the third telephone pole after the first dumpster next to the second feces-smeared mattress in the back alley behind the used tire place on Roscoe?  F_ck!”

That’s when a little lightbulb went on above his head.

Mr. Stir Fry, purveyor of fine
food — as well as inspiration. 

At first he thought it was the property owner of the back fence he had just defaced turning on a floodlight. But thankfully, before he and his pals prematurely scattered like cockroaches, he realized it was an idea.

“Like, why don’t we just directly tag the businesses that we don’t like an’ shit?” proposed the 22-year-old entrepreneur to the others in his tagging coterie. It seemed like a solid, viable business plan, since vandalizing public and private property is tacitly allowed if not encouraged in the West Valley; indeed, Canoga Park’s popular summer “Third Thursday” artwalk event holds graffiti workshops as well as vendors selling tagging supplies.

And thus a new startup venture, TagDatShit, was born. 

Startup company 'TagDatShit' hopes to use an exciting new interface to bring customer
 reviews directly to brick & mortar businesses and directly on brick & mortar businesses.

Getting investors likely wouldn’t be a problem, as many local hardware and paint supply stores would be eager to showcase their wares to a young, demographically-desirable customer base that seems to grow exponentially with each passing year. Plus having those involved in TagDatShit agree to not to deface investors’ buildings would constitute a further incentive.

So it seemed only fitting to use the Chinese restaurant that inspired the new crowd-sourced concept in on-site reviews for their presentation to attract both local and corporate sponsors.

Tag, You're Hit: Mr. Stir Fry is being used as a presentation building to fund the ambitious
and unique startup venture,  showing potential investors the value of having,  say, a yellow
donut permanently spray-painted on what was previously natural brickwork.  Staff photos.

Says Kevin Stirfry, the eponymous owner of Mr. Stir Fry as he surveys the extensive damage to his building, “I wish they hadn’t done this. I apologized for the screw-up and I told [BИW] I’ll give him a free order of crab rangoons next time. Cleaning, neutralizing, painting over all of this will be a nightmare.  All of the windows will just have to be replaced. This is easily going to cost me thousands of dollars.

“That said, this is actually less damaging to my business and easier to remove than a one-star review from Yelp.”