Incomplete, Lackluster Coverage of 2017 Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade Through 27 Unremarkable Photos

By Quilt staff

DATELINE: LETHARGY—  ...er, uh, FREEDOM!

What more can we say (other than ‘thank you for your service’) after having covered the Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade for a whopping four years now? You can only take so many pictures of the world famous Chatsworth Pooping Stallions and every talented West Valley high school marching band before they all begin to run together and even the most brilliant journalists hit a dry spell. 

[Or could it be that it's understandably difficult coming up with fresh material when covering almost the exact same parade year after year after year...?]

So forgive us if we’re a little light on the commentary this year; the sun was hot and the entire photography department was hung over. Plus, much like many of our local strip clubs, there's no assigned seating with the High Rollers Parade-Sponsor Gazebo — you get up to pee, you're losing that space in the front row! (Next year, we're bringing an empty mayonnaise jar.)

Eh, on with the pictures. Those of you who purchased VIP wristbands can click on the photos to see them larger, though probably in no greater detail.

Hey, a brand new banner this year! 
The last three (at least) they'd used one without the date. Can't use this one again!

The Pasadena Scottish Pipes & Drums numbered less this year than they have in the past, but thankfully, whether you've got twenty bagpipes or just two, they're still loud.

Rosie the Riveter waves to the crowd.

Some of the Wings Over Wendy's regulars! There were two trucks of 'em!

*   *   *   *   *

Presenting...your elected officials!

 Brad Sherman!

Matt Dababneh!

Henry Stern! [Not in photo: Henry Stern.]

Bob Blumenfield!

Ronald McDonald!  ...Now wait a minute!

*   *   *   *   *

The West Hills Neighborhood Council!
Did You Know...?™ While today the WHNC truck is carrying council members waving a collection of flags, it can be converted in moments to accommodate an angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches to run off any would be burglars, mail thieves and porch pirates that have recently infested the West Hills area.

Together again for the first time in over half a century, it's the cast of 1965 NBC sitcom "Camp Runamuck," and gee whiz, the kids haven't aged a bit! The show aired for a single season and—  ...What's that? Oops! Apparently this is a local Boy Scout troop. We regret the error.

American Legion Post 826 from Woodland Hills!

Though introduced as "Mr. Patriot," he'll always be Uncle Sam to us.
He lead the Liberty Tax dancers...

...and this photo does not do justice to their assorted cavortments and frolications, which they performed with not just abandon, but with gleeful, merry abandon. 

Memo to the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council: These guys were great last year and even better this year. Bring 'em back again next year. They know how to par-ade!

This horse & rider were tearing up and down Sherman Way like one of the countless street racers that have made the roads of Canoga Park famous, except with a lot less noise and no danger to anyone else on the road or to pedestrians. And no one in the crowd was hoping he'd crash his horse and perish in a fiery explosion, either.

The last time there were this many horses on Sherman Way was back in 1962, shortly before automobiles made their way to the West Valley.

Vintage cars!

Vintager cars!

Vintage cars...of the future!

Speaking of the future...

...a UFO monitoring the parade route? No, it's a drone, or unmanned photographamical airship, shown here alongside a satellite image of the earth for scale.

Our parade M.C., or emcee, Rob (?) ...Something-or-Other. Truly a master of masters of ceremonies, he kept up a steady stream of not only peppy parade patter, but peppy pre-parade patter as eager crowds wilted waited for it to start — never once becoming distracted by unauthorized non-parade jackasses riding their bikes right by him on the parade route. Lesser men would have been tempted to jam a handy broomstick into the spokes of the passing offenders. Note to staff: Next year bring broomsticks to parade (in addition to mayonnaise jars).

The El Camino Real Charter High School Marching Band!

Miss San Fernando Valley & San Fernando Valley's Outstanding Teen!

Give it up for this Dixieland Jazz Band from one of our local high schools!

And here's — yes! — another band!

"Nothing's Cooler Than Honoring Our Troops" is the theme of this year's float from the Coleman Company. Constructed of high-impact styrene, this 60-quart wheeled cooler can hold up to ninety soda or beer cans and one small child and is powered entirely by someone's mother.

That's all she wrote, folks. That's it. Parade's over.

Nothing to see here. Break it up! On your way! Move along now!

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Happy Memorial Day! ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Mangled West Hills Mailbox Result Of Comical Misunderstanding, Not Theft

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt

DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS

A public USPS mailbox located in the Platt Village Shopping Center in West Hills that was mangled beyond repair was the result of a comical misunderstanding and not due to traditional mail theft, according to police.

Staff photo.

“We know that thieves try to break in to these mailboxes to get checks, credit card info,  anything they can use to steal identities or gain access to bank account information,” says Officer Reed Malloy, head of the LAPD’s West Valley Mail Theft & Thievery Task Force, Public Mailbox Division. “However, in this case, it was just a loud-mouthed but generally lovable schlub who had heard only part of a conversation at work and believed he was about to be fired.”

Despite the objections of his wife, the accused box batterer angrily fired off a blistering letter to his boss and mailed it, only to learn he was not being terminated but instead getting a raise.

At that point the accused, determined to get the letter back, enlisted his best friend, bosom buddy and lifelong pal to help him retrieve it before the mail was collected and delivered. The crude (and illegal) attempts to recover it resulted in the destruction of the mailbox.

While the pair were briefly arrested, no charges have been filed since the offender has agreed to pay the cost of replacing the box using his share of the prize money from next week’s big bowling tournament “that [they’re] a cinch to win” or the profits of another hare-brained get-rich-quick scheme that his long-suffering wife will try in vain to talk him out of.

Canoga Park Tackles LA Housing Shortage

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff

DATELINE: COHASSET STREET

Continuing its role as trend-setter for Southern California, Canoga Park has taken aim at  — and perhaps solved — the housing shortage that bedevils the sprawling metropolis that is the Los Angeles area.

Following a rare emergency meeting of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council (CPFNC) on Tuesday, a resolution was put forth to approve a pilot program whereby new homes will be built directly on the street.

“With such a limited supply of viable real estate and its corresponding skyrocketing cost, it just makes sense to use land already available — public roads,” says CPFNC Vice Chaircommissioner of Housing and Houses Philbert Cheung.

“It’s an idea that just makes sense,” Cheung says. “Across the greater LA area, people are living on the streets in greater number than ever. Some roads in Woodland Hills are starting to look like 1980s KOA campgrounds with all the 30-year-old RVs. So instead of forcing these folks to push their broken-down Winnebagos down the block every few days, why not just move them into permanent housing where they already are anyway?”

Home, Home on the Road: Canoga Park's first three street-houses are already under
construction on Cohasset Street at Jordan, in the tight-knit Jordasset neighborhood.

While the project will result in narrow one-lane roads that would negatively impact traffic enormously, some say doing so would actually help to acclimate the Canoga Park / Woodland Hills community to the total gridlock coming to the area once the nearby Rocketdyne site is developed into a proposed 4,000+ apartment/condo sprawling mini-megacity.

Creating sturdy, subterranean foundations for these street-homes wouldn’t be a problem, either, Cheung explains. “With L.A. roads being in such dismal shape and never, ever to be repaired despite how many new taxes people foolishly vote for, in many areas you need only kick away the chunks of broken pavement with your foot to get to virgin topsoil, ready for easy excavation.”

The measure passed nearly unanimously 17 to 0, with the one uncast vote belonging to CPFNC Supervisor of Roads and Roadways Bernice Knudsen. “I hoped to be there for the vote but there was a Coachmen Cadet parked in front of my house and I couldn’t get out of my driveway.”

Tagger Profile: Emerging Artist ‘Kruger’ Makes His Mark On The West Valley

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff

DATELINE: EVERYWHERE

Staff photo.

UR over, UREK! Make way, ReKay! All hail the new tagger in town!

Up-and-comer ‘Kruger’ has been painting the town red...and black and blue and purple, embellishing everything from pieces of discarded furniture to alley walls, with his signature tag — the name “Kruger” — and making quite a name for himself in the process.

We met with the mysterious Kruger as he squirmed through the mud under a fence surrounding a locked construction site in Canoga Park. The tagger says he named himself after Otto Kruger (who died in nearby Woodland Hills in 1974) citing the prolific actor of the 30s and 40s as both an influence and inspiration.

Recent masterworks include this food-service trailer located in a West Hills parking lot: "No one
was around so I hit it an' shit." Kruger considers himself the namesake of actor Otto Kruger (inset).

“I really appreciate his body of work, an’ shit, particularly his earlier films. I count ‘Paris Interlude’ among my favorites, an’ shit. Pardon, there’s a portable toilet I’d like to spray paint my name on.”

Catching up with Kruger again later, as the ubiquitous artiste crawled — with the nimble agility of a lively cockroach — out of a garbage dumpster after tagging the inside, we asked him what keeps him up at night. 

“'What keeps me up at night?' Well, I drink a lot of cans of Venom Energy — watermelon-strawberry’s a delight — if I’m going out on a frolic [tagger lingo for ‘an evening of vandalism’ —ed.] and—

“...Oh! You mean if anything, like, worries me an’ shit. Sure — it's that people think I’ve named myself after either Herr Major Bernard Kruger or the accomplished Fredrich Wilhelm Kruger, two celebrated Nazi officers from World War II,” he says. “The idea, eh, sickens me — and any and all people who think I’d name myself after them should be rounded up and immediately and mercilessly exterminated like the subhuman vermin they are.”

"I feel my work transcends earthly confines," says Kruger. "There's a certain spirituality to what I do."
Here, a mural on the property of a Canoga Park church, his second there in two weeks.   Staff photo.

“He’s got an innate talent that I haven’t seen for some time, an’ shit. I’d put his stuff up there with some of GNAR’s best work or even early LeKoR,” opines Canoga Park official tagger laureate DAИK, “And he works fast an' shit. One time I was taking a dump in a bathroom at Lanark Park and when I came out, the stall door had been Kruger’d. I didn’t even hear him! Though to be fair, I’m usually pretty noisy when I shit. An' shit.”

Kruger, who declined to be photographed for this article says that "...my work in fact speaks for itself.
It defines me. I am my artwork." Above: A pile of worthless garbage featuring the iconic 'Kruger' logo.

Even by his own estimates, Kruger has a busy future. While his immediate plans will continue to focus on defacing public and private property, Kruger’s figuring on eventually getting into the correctional industry, and, later, pursuing a career in the lucrative world of public assistance.

“But who knows,” he says, pondering the road ahead. “At some point, I may even try to get a job at Lowe’s or Home Depot in the paint department...just long enough ‘til they trust me with the keys to the spray paint cage.

“Or in the tool department. Get me some bolt cutters an’ shit — then who needs keys, right?”

Reminder: Tomorrow Is 'National-Get-Rid-Of-Canned-Corn-Left-Over-From-Thanksgiving' Day

By Quilt Staff

This Saturday, May 13, the United States Postal Service will be doing its part to help folks across America unclutter their pantries with the 25th annual Get Rid Of All That Canned Corn Left Over From Thanksgiving And Anything Else You Won’t Miss food drive. 

Earlier this week, those with street addresses here in Canoga Park and across the country received a brown paper bag in their mail box. Residents are encouraged to simply fill it with grocery items they no longer want, have no intention of ever eating and are cluttering up their kitchen but would feel guilty about just throwing in the trash. They can leave the filled bag by their mailbox on Saturday and mail carriers will do the rest.
  

Last year’s collection drive netted more than 150 tons of off-brand creamed corn, canned pumpkin, freezer-burnt chicken breasts purchased on sale that no one ever got around to doing anything with, and unappealingly flavored tea bags from cheap Big Lots holiday gift baskets, thus helping millions of American households with their spring cleaning by decluttering countless cupboards, cabinets and refrigerators.

Correction: It seems we’ve somehow misconstrued the entire purpose of this annual event, which, turns out, is aimed at soliciting donations of non-perishable food items to be delivered to local food banks. We regret the error.

Forthcoming Winnetka Starbucks Evokes Mixed Feelings from Local Indigents, Middle Schoolers

By Jumilla Lubao, special to the Quilt.

DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY

A Starbucks café slated to open on the corner of Winnetka Avenue and Sherman Way, in Winnetka’s bustling Shermetka neighborhood, has some locals expressing mixed feelings about the chain’s newest location even before the first pot of coffee is brewed.

“Aw, hell no, man — not Starbucks,” says Ernie 'Nalgas' Holvik as he notices the 'Coming Soon' banners on the building currently under renovation, “They’re too expensive!”  

Winnetka’s first Starbucks will be located in a building formerly occupied by Burger King. Despite managing to screw up over 98% of drive-thru orders and 76% of dine-in orders, the fast-food restaurant, which closed earlier this year, was much loved by the community.

Winnetka's beloved Burger King is being renovated and retrofitted to reopen as the area's first
Starbucks, a change that could impact both local pre-teens and various hangers-around. Staff photo.

“It's right at four different bus stops so me an’ my old lady spent a lot of time here," says Holvik, who currently works part-time in and around Woodland Hills as a residential Amazon package acquisition specialist. "You position yourself behind one of the columns in the front of the dining area and whoever’s at the register can’t see you, so you could hang out all day sipping your Four Loko. The trick is to crack open the can before you come in. Because you can’t do it quietly.”

Says John A. Sutter Middle School student Carmen Bailor, “I was like oh no BK is closed, that totally sucks!” The seventh grader explains that she and her friends would go there after school and purchase a small order of fries. “Then we’d like all ask for water cups and sneak soda from the soda machine when [the counter staff] wasn’t looking.

“I guess we’ll do the same thing at Starbucks when it opens, only with coffee. Or those unicorn drinks I heard about. So, yeah, it’ll be cool. They have a dollar menu, right?”

Nalgas, too, is starting to see the glass — or coffee cup — as half-full: “Well, I don't think [Starbucks] is gonna to sell me a big wad of chicken nuggets for a buck. But on the plus side, with the guilt that comes along with spending $6 on a cup of coffee, I’m guessing the panhandling’s going to be pretty good.”

Canoga Please: Dots A Good Question!

Canoga Please! Like many of my neighbors, I’ve embraced the urban folk art, or tagging, with which our local artists have thoughtfully and thoroughly decorated so much of Canoga Park and the surrounding area. Why, just this morning, I see that my brand new red cedar fence has been graced by an original Oblek! Through the sheer ubiquity of magnificently defaced public and private surfaces here in the West Valley, I’ve become something of an authority on all things tagging, though there is one bit of knowledge that still eludes me: Many of the tags feature three dots, and I was wondering what significance this mysterious detail might have.  —Luis N., Eccles Street

Staff photos.

Dear Luis,

Ah, bless our hardworking local taggers who — with can of Krylon and pen of paint — tirelessly embellish and adorn every square inch of available surface with their fanciful and often intricate inscriptions. And yes — the three dots you so often see do in fact have special significance: It identifies the vandal— ...er, artiste as a fan of wholesome, fresh-faced 50s/60s singer-actress Doris Day. The dots, of course, symbolize her adorable, iconic freckles. Congrats on your new back fence masterpiece — but don’t look now — it’s just been overpainted by a common ReKay. Oh well — que sera sera!

•   •   •   •   •

Canoga Please! Yo! When the next season of Narcos coming out on Netflix an’ shit? I’m-a f_ckin’ binge-watch that shit, yo!  —ReKay, via spray-painted message on a fence in an alley behind Eccles Street

Dear ReKay,

No official release date for season 3 of Narcos has yet been announced but rumors suggest it’ll “drop” in August or September. 

Images courtesy Netflix.

In the meantime, why not enjoy The Pajama Game, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies, or Pillow Talk, instead — all available to stream instantly!

—Burton Cantara

Do you have a question about Canoga Park? Email it to us at CanogaPlease@gmail.com and it may be answered here. Questions may be edited for brevity or to accomodate photos we’ve been looking for an excuse to run. Sorry, but due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond to every inquiry.