By Quilt staff.
DATELINE: THE SCARIER-THAN-USUAL NEIGHBORHOODS OF CANOGA PARK
As an important member of the Canoga Park area, we make it a practice to give back to the community, like, for instance, eh, this thing here — where through careful research, we drew up this Trick or Treat map so you and your many, many children aren’t wasting time ringing doorbells of homes that yield no candy, and you’re not heaving good 2-ply Cottonelle and rotten eggs at those who do!
Happy Halloween, Canoga Park!
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| Canoga Park Official Trick or Treat Map. Click to enlarge if there's some reason to. |
7103 Bassett Street
Cheap bastard handing out stale, dessicated, dubiously edible made-in-China gummy candy body parts bought at deep discount from 99¢ Only on November 1st, 2015.
21219 Chase Street
Not giving candy out but unlocked car in driveway has handfuls of change in front seat center console.
7121 Jordan Avenue
Resident has no patience with “Dancing with the Stars” being interrupted every two minutes and has naively placed completely unguarded “Take ONE Candy ONLY Please” bowl on porch. Govern yourself accordingly.
7908 Loma Verde Avenue
Family carved jack-o-lantern four days too early and is now a hideous rotting mess, just begging to be violently kicked off the front stoop.
21216 Valerio Street Unit 17
Spooky candlelight ambience inside doorway is for expected erotic massage in-call appointment — not trick-or-treaters. Escort— ...er, “massage therapist” likely to hand out dollar bills just to get kids out of there.
7425 Vassar Avenue
Killjoy dentist giving away toothbrushes and mini tubes of toothpaste. This is who you’ve been saving those eggs for.
21379 Roscoe Boulevard Apt 12-B
Tragic, drunken, childless middle-aged woman with bowl of loose candy corn mixed with slightly melted, misshapen Hershey’s kisses, encouraging each visitor to “go ahead, sweetie, take a handful” and taking pictures of them with her smartphone while muttering “Adorable!”
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| Hey, they look just like candy. Fun! |
21114 Osborne Street
Well-meaning homeowners have sprinkled tiny novelty witch, ghost, and pumpkin latex erasers among large bowl of candy; offers potential choking lawsuit for ambitious, litigious parent.
7103 Gault Street
Offering hard-as-a-rock Mary Janes and those godawful tiny boxes with two Jujubes in them. Pass.
21327 Parthenia Street
Doorbell sends quartet of out-of-control little yappy dogs inside into a frenzy; single Fun Size packet of Sugar Babies not worth the wait while owner corrals them away into side room to open the door.
21826 Wyandotte Street
Angry resident anxious to engage any accompanying parents in unwelcome political discussion and then adding insult to injury by doling out cement pellets of Dubble Bubble from economy-sized pail purchased in "break room" aisle of Staples. Keep walking.
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| The delicious treat that ends up costing you! Image: Wendy's |
9029 Eton Avenue Unit B
Parents beware: Tenant giving “Free Frosty” coupons, redemption of which necessitates taking family to Wendy’s resulting in unexpected outlaying of cash for all the other food you’ll end up buying.
8426 Independence Avenue
Forgot about Halloween until last minute and trying to get away with handing out twist-tied baggies of Cheerios. Children should make a statement by accepting them and then sneaking back to empty contents on windowsill to attract possums and other vermin.
7656 Moorcroft Avenue, #118
Severely confused elderly woman with dementia can be convinced to hand out credit cards, cash and blank checks with little effort.
20927 Rodax Avenue
Resident stuck in traffic coming home from long weekend in Las Vegas. First come, first served with regards to Amazon Prime boxes at front door.
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| The vintage soundtrack to your better Halloween installations. © Disney. |
21221 Community Street
Early 30s man experiencing second childhood and who has, against wife’s wishes, spent a fortune turning entire front yard into a dry-ice-misted, “Chilling, Thrilling Sounds of The Haunted House”-blaring graveyard, and paid a professional makeup artist to turn him into a zombie. Offering King Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to anyone willing to spend at least twenty minutes admiring his handiwork.
21342 Bryant Street
Giving out little Halloween bags of gluten-free Snyder’s pretzels that even IBS-suffering precious little snowflake children of helicopter parents don’t want.
Important: West Hills "Fancy” Neighborhood Council reminds Canoga Park residents with an eye towards getting better candy that West Hills addresses are accepting West Hills trick-or-treaters only again this year. Non-resident children found west of Shoup will "have the garden hose turned on them."
