BREAKING: LANARK PARK EASTER EGG HUNT ROCKED BY SCANDAL

By Marlin Gault, Quilt Staff
DATELINE: LANARK STREET

A local church’s Easter egg hunt ended in tears after a controversial ruling resulted in the disqualification of the winner and the revocation of first prize.

Our Lady of the Vacant Retail Space held its popular ‘Easter Egg Safari” in Lanark Park, after services at 1:00 p.m. Easter Sunday.

Lanark Park, the Recreation Center so sublime they made it rhyme, was the site of a major
Easter egg hunt controversy today, as well as some barbecues and soccer games. File photo.

The search for the colorful, plastic eggs filled with candy, coins and small toys has been an annual Easter festivity held by the parish since 2003 and is anxiously anticipated by many of the congregation’s younger children.

Andrej Ciernik of Northgate
Avenue. Photo: Ellen Ciernik.

Following a lively event lasting over ten minutes and with nearly a dozen participants, at approximately 1:12 p.m. today, Andrej Ciernik, 5, was declared the winner of the Easter egg hunt, with a grand total of twenty-seven, and was awarded the grand prize, a $5 gift card for Arby’s.

But Jeanette Ulichny, who organizes the event for the church, thought something smelled rotten.

“We had eleven little boys and girls participate this year. I hid a total of sixty eggs. Most of the other children found around four or five eggs each. The math just didn’t add up,” said Ulichny.

That’s when little Andrej was called back for a recount. 

“I was astonished,” the church's Sunday school director said. “Most of what he had in his basket wasn’t even eggs!”

As to how the mixup could have occured, Ulichny notes that “parents are on their honor to count the eggs their children find and give me an accurate number.  And not stash a bunch of extra stuff in the baskets so their child can win.”

“Just a minute!” countered an angry Martin Cierknik, Andrej’s father. “He found all these things himself. I just presumed they were all part of the Easter egg hunt.”

Closeup of the controversial Easter basket. "Some of them smell funny," said a sobbing Andrej
Ciernik, before becoming distracted and picking up a small blue baggie of dog doo. Staff photo.

“Your child wandered off way beyond the parameters I set up for the hunt. He was picking things up all the way over there by the skatepark,” Ulichny responded.

When asked why hadn’t she called him back since she'd noticed him out of the egg hunt boundaries, Mrs. Ulichny said that "it was not [her] job to babysit the participating children," but merely to "make sure the contest was run fairly."

Andrej tearfully surrendered his prize and it was awarded to the next runner-up, Beth Ulichny, 14, who finished with a total of six eggs. 

Real-Life Easter 'Resurrection': Man Emerges From LA River Runoff Tunnel After Three-Day Bender

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE:

CANOGA PARK GREENWAY  

Consider it an Easter miracle of sorts.

Runners, bicyclists and others enjoying Canoga Park’s Greenway near the Canoga Avenue overpass believed they were in the presence of a divine occurrence this morning when they observed a tattered figure roll back a discarded white resin patio table top and, shielding his eyes from the bright morning sun, unsteadily stagger out from the dark recesses of a runoff tunnel along the LA River.

“At first I presumed it was the Passion Play,” says De Soto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart, who along with his girlfriend Sarah were riding vintage banana seat bikes along the north side of the path on their way to Follow Your Heart to purchase rennet-less asiago cheese for their Sunday omelets when they witnessed the event. “Yeeah, Passion Plays are a really big part of the local culture around here on Easter...? Which is totally cool.”

Photo courtesy Brian Rauschebart.

But instead of the Son of God rising from the dead, it was a local Canoga Park resident recovering from a three-day bender. 

Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik reportedly had left his usual encampment, an alley behind Nita Avenue on Thursday morning to “go get us some beer,” says friend Ronald Saxe. “I woulda driven him but I got a good space here on the street an’ I don’t gotta move the RV until street sweeping day or the neighbors start bitching.” 

So Holvik set off on his own but never returned. 

Ernie "Nalgas" Holvik emerging from his tunnel. Some
noted a mysterious white halo around him, imparting a
 particularly divine aura. Others felt it looked like a bad
photo-editing job.  Photo courtesy Brian Rauschebart.

“I was worried about him, but figured maybe he hooked back up with his old lady or got rolled or maybe picked up by the cops or something. I’m glad to hear he’s okay,” says the relieved Saxe when told about the sighting. 

“But when he gets back here, he better have my beer or my money or I’m going to beat the shit out of him with this two-by-four I use to scare off possums.”

He may have a bit of a wait. 

Back at the Greenway, a gathering crowd of onlookers held their breath in hushed reverence as Holvik slowly walked to the channel of flowing water in the middle of the concrete riverbed, relieved himself, then plunged an arm down into the channel and pulled out a six-pack of discount-store beer he’d evidently kept cooling there.

Then he walked back into tunnel with the beer and disappeared.

“Yeah...not reeeally into organized religion, so I'm not sure what that means,” says a bemused Rauschebart over the awed mutterings of the crowd. “Six more weeks of winter...?”

Mysterious ‘Pavement Circles’ Appearing In Canoga Park Area

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff. With additional reporting by Charlotte Rudnick.
DATELINE: FARRALONE AVENUE

Unexplained dark circular patterns have been appearing on streets and parking lots in Canoga Park and surrounding areas, according to local residents.  The mysterious circles, which range in diameter roughly from eight to twenty-five feet, were considered a rare anomaly until recently, and have begun materializing with increasing frequency in the West Valley over the past few months.

Mysterious pavement circles at Sherman Way and Farralone. Photo courtesy of Merl Zygmont.

“Yeah, these here just appeared overnight,” says Merl Zygmont of Nita Avenue, pointing to a series of overlapping circles at the intersection of Sherman Way and Farralone Avenue in Canoga Park’s tightly-knit Shermalone district. “I know they weren’t there on Saturday afternoon when I was coming home from 7-11 after buying my lottery ticket.  

“But on Sunday morning, when I was heading back over to 7-11 to check my lottery ticket, there they were, large as life. It’s kind of spooky.”

One of the largest known 'pavement circles' recorded appeared in the parking lot of the Westridge
Plaza on Roscoe Boulevard, leaving some Sam Ash customers so shaken up they headed to one
of those storefronts with a green cross which seems to have a calming effect for some. Staff photo.

“We’re aware [of the circles],” says Capt. Reed Malloy, Cyber Support Bureau Officer of the West Valley Bureau of Road-Based Unexplained Phenomenon. “We’ve had a number of calls about them. We’re looking into it. That’s all I can say at this time.”

A large, multi-ringed pattern on DeSoto Avenue on the Winnetka border. Staff photo.

An insider with the LAPD who spoke on the condition of anonymity says the department is stymied and doesn’t have answers. “Yeah, every time I’m at Topanga Station refilling the snack machine, I overhear them saying stuff like, ‘Did you see that big one up on Nordhoff?! Holy shit!’ and stuff like that.”

Dr. Morris Detzer
Photo: Mimi Detzer

However, an expert in metanatural superterrestrial extradimensional paraphysics, Dr. Morris Detzer, thinks the explanation may be literally “out of this world.”

“When the science community doesn’t have a ready answer, you look beyond known science,” Detzer explains. “We’ve got a few hypotheses about the circles and they all point in one direction — up. 

“Clearly they’re left by flying saucers from outer space.”

Recent calls to the “Open Lines” segment of popular late night radio program Coast to Coast with George Noory indicate Detzer's theory is already shared by others and gaining traction. 

The rings have even appeared in "exclusive" West Hills, here at Platt & Ingomar. Staff photo.

“Those circles — they’re the work of UFOs. It’s them grays, I know it,” insisted one caller who identified herself as “Berta from near Lanark Park.” She continued that “it all ties in with Obama being the goddamn antichrist” and then added something about Del Taco’s attempts to up-sell customers to a larger sized meal before becoming completely incoherent, forcing Noory to dump the call and quickly launch into an impromptu C. Crane radio spot.

Closeup of one of Canoga Park's baffling 'pavement circles' with detail showing a distinct dis-
coloration to the street.   Thin, parallel striations of unaffected roadway within the darker area
run the circle's entire circumference, further perplexing experts as to their purpose. Staff photo.

At his office on campus at Pierce College Winnetka, Dr. Detzer discusses another, equally mystifying aspect of the circles:  The strange properties the area inside the pavement rings exhibit.

"Nothing grows there. Not a blade of grass, not the tiniest weed, nothing. These circles are completely barren of plant life. It's uncanny," says the noted professor of crypto-asphaltology.

And the fact that no one has come forward saying they’ve witnessed the creation of any of the so-called “pavement circles” firsthand further lends credence to his extraterrestrial theory, Dr. Detzer says.

A near-perfect circle at Jordan and Valerio. Could its materialization at this intersection, with places of
worship on two of the corners, have some spiritual and benevolent significance? Or does its proximity
to the Canoga Park Women's Club point to something much more sinister and horrifying?    Staff photo.

“Actually, who we’re hearing from are earwitnesses to the eyewitnesses,” the professor continues. “Let me explain: I’ve had dozens of calls from people who report hearing automotive tires loudly screeching in the exact locations these circles are noticed the following morning.

This pavement circle, observed in Chatsworth on Canoga Avenue was graded 8.5 on the Balyan scale, a
gauge used to determine size, circularity, intensity and other criteria of the mysterious rings. Staff photo.

“Obviously, cars and motorcycles are driving along late at night and come upon one of these spaceships in the act of making the circles, the drivers are of course petrified and slam on the brakes — and then get out of there. The fact that none of these witnesses have reached out to anyone is significant. It's safe to presume the Government has already gotten to these people to warn them to keep quiet about what they saw," Detzer says gravely. 

"I don’t know what this is all about, but believe me, it’s big. Big.”

Multiple, overlapping pavement circles are visible in a Canoga Park shopping center. Staff photo.

“I’d like to discuss this further," says Detzer, looking at his watch, "but sadly, I have to go to the funeral of one of my students who was run down while crossing the road by someone doing something called ‘a donut.’ Just tragic.

“Sure wish the police could do something about those street racers, but I realize they've got their hands full with this UFO thing.”

Canoga Please! The Kidnapping of Frank Sinatra, Jr. — Then, Bowling!

Canoga Please! I was so sorry to hear about the passing of Frank Sinatra, Jr.  But I understand he has a Canoga Park connection — that he was brought here during his infamous 1963 kidnapping. Where exactly was the Li’l Chairman of the Board held, so that I might leave a clutch of dollar store religious candles on the sidewalk despite the fact such a display may impede the bustling traffic of unlicensed vendors pushing their carts or unlicensed pit bulls pulling their owners? —Martin Paul Dean, Baltar Street

Frank Sinatra, Jr.   Wikipedia

Dear Marty,

Sad news — as if the loss of Frank Jr. wasn't sad enough: Despite countless websites and news outlets insisting that ol’ Young Blue Eyes was taken to Canoga Park during the harrowing human heist, it was actually Winnetka — 8143 Mason Avenue, to be exact — where the younger Sinatra was held. While it may be disappointing to learn that our neighbor to the east, not us, has the distinction of temporarily housing Frank Sinatra’s son during his terrible ordeal, don’t worry — there are plenty of other violent crimes that have been committed right here in Canoga Park!

*   *   *   *   *

Canoga Please! When I was a kid in Canoga Park, I used to bowl on a Canoga Park children’s bowling league at a bowling alley in Canoga Park called “Canoga Park Bowl.” Now I’m an adult still living in Canoga Park who no longer bowls. But I’ve grown a beard and bowling is cool again, and it gives me an excuse to wear multicolored suede shoes, so I want to get back into bowling. I’ve scoured every single street in Canoga Park and I can’t find the Canoga Park Bowl. I may be bowled over by your answer, but I need to know: Did the Canoga Park Bowl close? —Anthony Earl, Gault Street

File photo.

Dear Anthony,

Great news — The Canoga Park Bowl did not close, but it did change its name to the Winnetka Bowl, presumably to distance itself from the notoriety of having the same name as the town where countless websites and news outlets insist Frank Sinatra, Jr. was held during his kidnapping. 

Also, it’s located in Winnetka. 

By the way, bowling has always been cool, and the Winnetka Bowl (formerly the Canoga Park Bowl) is a cool place to do it. But you don’t have to travel all the way to Winnetka to have a good time — there are plenty of alleys and gutters right here in Canoga Park where lots of men can be seen enjoying themselves every day.
—Burton Cantara

Do you have a question about Canoga Park? Email it to us at CanogaPlease@gmail.com and it may be answered here. Questions may be edited for brevity or to accommodate photos we've been looking for an excuse to run. Sorry, due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond to every inquiry.