Take A Picture, Parker Glassport, It'll Last Longer — November 30, 2015

Special to the Quilt from Owen Smouth, editor-in-chief.










Just in time for the start of the holiday season — the world's oldest teenage photographer, our own Parker Glassport, is back with this any-recent-content-is-good-content photo:

And oh boy what a beaut it is.

"Run them smaller," young Parker says. "They lose definition when you run them so big!"

Pish-posh. Any photographer that blames the medium is a poor excuse for an artist, and furthermore is in danger of me calling up Canoga Park High and asking the principal to send over someone else from Ms. Jankoficz's Photography 101 class for the work-study program, someone who doesn't tell me how to run my goddamn paper and can get the staff's Starbuck's order right once in a while.

Besides, the Canoga Park Quilt's highly sophisticated readership are no dummies.

They know you can (and should) click on any photo in any article the ol' Quilt here and it pops up bigger and in that sharp, distinct, photojournalism-award-winning detail that savvy Quilt readers have come to expect, née, demand.

Well, now that all that's taken care of, with practically no obvious exposition whatsoever, we can get back to work on all the hard-hitting Canoga Park news stories Quilt readers have come to expect, née, demand.  

Christ almighty, pretty demanding bunch considering it's a free newspaper. You don't know what I'm up against.

The Quilt's Complete List of Businesses Open and Closed in Canoga Park on Thanksgiving

By Quilt staff.

DATELINE: A HARVESTOPIA OF THANKFULTUDE

Whether you're thankful to spend time with friends and loved ones at someone else's home far, far away or even if your plans fell through and turns out you'll be in Canoga Park for Thanksgiving, all of us here at the Quilt wish a "Happy Thanksgiving!" to our treasured readers. You're what we're thankful for! Also that spinach/artichoke dip Nita Keswick brings in for the little buffet thing we do in the break room on the Wednesday before.

And as a public service to the Canoga Park community, we've compiled a list of businesses that will be open or closed on Thanksgiving — Thursday November 26 — to help plan those last-minute forays for little items that never made the shopping list.

It happens every year: You remember to buy the turkey and all the trimmings, but at the last minute
you realize you have no stove and oven to cook them on and in; and worse, no refrigerator to keep them
from spoiling until you can get a stove. Unfortunately for you, J&R Appliances is closed Thanksgiving.

If you forgot to get a turkey baster or injector, you may be in luck: Romantix Adult Boutique
will be open on Thanksgiving from 10 am to 8 pm and carries various items of a similar shape and
size that, with a little ingenuity, could easily be modified to perform those same general functions.

Our complete list of businesses opened and closed in Canoga Park on Thanksgiving Day:

Open
• Romantix, 21672 Sherman Way

Closed
• J&R Appliance, 7137 Owensmouth Avenue

While this is our complete list, additional Canoga Park businesses not listed here may or may not be open, while others may or may not be closed. Says Bernice Solverson, from the Canoga Park Chamber of Commerce: "I dunno. Best bet is to probably call the place first, before getting in your car and end up driving around for a half-hour like an ass."

---

Update: 
We have confirmed that all businesses within Canoga Park will either be open or closed on Thanksgiving.

First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club Holiday Bazaar: A Jolly Success!

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff.

DATELINE: JORDAN AVENUE

The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club held their annual Holiday Bazaar and Back Pain Pill Exchange this past Saturday, November 14 at their clubhouse on Jordan Avenue. The event featured a myriad of delightful hand-woven pot holders, macramé owls, construction paper ornaments with oversized yarn stitching, peanut butter and birdseed encrusted pinecone bird feeders, wooden clothespins decorated to resemble reindeer, as well as other handcrafted items, baked goods and house plants, all for sale to the public.

Business was brisk from the moment the bazaar opened at ten a.m., reports Myrtle Hipkins, Vice President In Charge of Gluing Felt Antlers to Walnut Shells. “Oh, we’ve been busy all morning. My daughter came with my grandson, and then, well, she even came back a little while later to pick him up after her Zumba class, and I saw Irene’s daughter-in-law here, and ooh, Louise’s daughter came by — with her niece who is going to have a baby! — and Helen’s daughter, she was here, and, um, oh yes, that nice woman who drives Sylvia to the doctor was here — Sylvia! What’s that gal’s name?  The one who drives you to your podiatrist? ‘Dr. Cohen’?! No, no, the girl who drives you there! Aaah—!”

Gifts Galore: A 'Brag' Book, memo pad, bookmark and magnet
(with a wise saying) were just some of the items available for sale.

Spread across the Official Bake Sale Card Table (back with all four legs this year) was a host of delicious goodies atop a festive green and red paper tablecloth featuring the popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles characters. 

Ruth Burke's Bake Sale Contribution:
"They make the packages so darn big
these days, you can't finish 'em. And
the seeds always get stuck up in my
bridgework — a real no-no," she says.

Generally ovoid pfeffernüsse cookies of wildly varying sizes wrapped up in cellophane and baggies of fudge squares melded back together into a clumped cube of rich, nutty sweetness vied for tabletop real estate alongside tightly wrapped cupcakes on small paper plates — two treats in one for a lucky tot: delicious devil’s food as well as icing to be sucked off the Saran Wrap. A cadre of sweet-smelling gingerbread men — including one with a metal eyelet protruding from the top of his head and marked “Hallmark Keepsake” on his side — fell quickly to the advancing troops of hungry customers, who, armed with nickels and dimes, made quick work of them until a call went up not of “Victory!” but for the number of an emergency dentist.

Trivets made of recycled popsicles sticks were a popular seller over at the station manned by Esther Wheeling, the club’s Vice-President In Charge of Recycling Popsicle Sticks. “I sold both of the ones I made,” the proud octagenarian beamed. “I guess my daughter really liked how I spelled out  ‘Ho Ho Ho’ in glitter on them.”

Rich, gooey fudge and hand-decorated pill bottles flock the "star" of the show, a handsome
snowman tabletop centerpiece with pipe cleaner standing in for traditional corncob pipe.

Meanwhile, at “Plants ‘N Such,” a long folding table with flora for sale, the Club’s resident gardener Flossie Brown, 87, surveyed her wares, each ready to take home in its own Dixie cup. “Those are spider plants,” she told interested shoppers. “They’re two for a quarter. Oh, they’ll just grow and grow. Over here, I’ve got some pothos cuttings. Now these are 35¢. If you want to really see something — but it’s not for sale — I brought my prize-winning African violet from home. ...Wait, where is it? Vera!  You didn’t sell my African violet when I was using the lady’s room, did you?!”

Holiday Greenery & More: Dieffenbacchia, saguaro cactus, ficus and even
colorful poinsettias were available courtesy the green thumb of Flossie Brown,
who attributes her prowess with plants to a lifelong love affair of gardening.

Beneath a pretty sign reading “Needlepoint By Gladys” sat Ethel Hooper, a spritely 92. “Oh, we’ve got all sort of things here. Eyeglass cases with crossed tennis racquets, coin purses with crossed tennis racquets. Why, here’s a little potpourri satchel. With a pair of crossed tennis racquets on it. We’ve got a discount section, too. We’ve a few pillows with the serenity prayer missing some words, or crossed tennis racquets in place of the praying hands, and oh, I can give you a good deal on this unfinished Footprints In The Sand needlepoint. I think this is what Gladys was working on when she, uh... ...Well, I think this was her last piece.”

A reverent angel sings a Christmas song; 'Footprints In The Sand'
needlepoint, unfinished, was priced to sell; funny little "nut",
bedecked with googly eyes & sign, beckons to the teen-age crowd.

A steady stream of shoppers visited the bazaar throughout the day, including Ronald Saxe, currently living across the street in an RV, who was almost as thrilled with his 10¢ purchase of a snowman made of two styrofoam balls, three sequins and some felt scraps as he was by the opportunity to use an indoor toilet. Brian Rauschebart of De Soto Avenue dropped by with his girlfriend Sarah, the granddaughter of a Club member. “I’m looking at this Christmas tree and it’s made from a folded up magazine...?" the 28-year-old explains as he arranges his oversized marled black cable knit scarf just-so.

Would you believe this festive fellow was
made from a sponge and some cotton balls?

 "And I see it’s an issue of ‘Outdoor Life’ from 1952. Oh my God — I was so stunned I almost forgot about the nickel change I had coming from the dime I paid.”

The three p.m. closing time couldn’t have come a moment too soon: Most of the bazaar’s goods were by then sold out to eager family members — good thing, too, due to limited room on the Senior Shuttle that had come to deliver the club members to Coco’s for dinner. When the dust had settled, the 101-year-old stalwart Canoga Park organization had cleared nearly $11 in profit. “Not too shabby for a bunch of ‘old ladies,’ huh?” laughed Opal Wilson, 97. 

“Okay, everyone, on the bus,” bellowed Ladies Club Vice-President in Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber, as she kicked an unsold piggy bank fashioned from an empty Clorox bottle out of the path of a man rolling in an enormous audio speaker on a hand truck. “These people just paid us seven hundred bucks for the facilities for the evening, so let’s get out of their way.”
Special thanks to Janet's husband's second cousin — the one who moved to Florida — whose son, who still lives out here, was nice enough to take photographs of items from the event, and did you know Janet once went to New York and she saw that woman from the Today Show when she went to see 'Wicked' with Bob. Oh, for goodness sake, you know who I'm talking about, she was on the Today Show, oh, forever, but I don't think she's been on for some time now and...

Report: West Hills-Sponsored Rainbow May Have Violated Canoga Park Airspace

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.

DATELINE: HIGH ABOVE THE CHIMNEY TOPS

A rare emergency meeting of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council was called this evening to discuss the possibility that a rainbow sponsored by West Hills may have violated Canoga Park airspace, exacerbating an already strained relationship with Canoga Park’s neighbor to the west, and to determine what, if any, action should be taken against the exclusive community. 

The rainbow, visible from approximately 4:41 until 4:56 pm Monday afternoon, was anchored at one end at a used railroad tie lot in Chatsworth and, at the other end, in an alley behind Franklin’s Hardware just south of Ventura Boulevard in Woodland Hills. The bulk of the colored band of light traversed Canoga Park from above, giving much of West Hills a view of what was described in local news and social media as “quintessential,” “amazing,” “magnificent” and “in-f_cking-credible.”

“I think it’s disgusting — and that both Chatsworth and Woodland Hills were in collusion with West Hills on this matter speaks volumes about the integrity of those communities as well,” said an angry Vera Morris, the Council’s Representative In Charge Of Shoes Flung Over Power Lines And Other Things Up High. “They used the sky over our neighborhood to put on a display of nature’s grandeur specifically for their residents, not ours.”

The rainbow visible primarily from West Hills was so large not only did it span the entire north to
south length of Canoga Park, but it took four photographs to capture it in its entirety, seamlessly woven
together digitally to create a panoramic vista that recalls the work of Ansel Adams himself. Staff photo.

“What burns me up is they staged it precisely at a location where we couldn’t see it without having to go into West Hills,” says resident Téodor “Ted” Pasternak. “Due to the necessary angle of refraction, most Canoga Park residents were completely unaware of what by all accounts was a beautiful rainbow occurring directly overhead. Unless you were west of Shoup [Avenue], you didn’t even see it. But it was all over Twitter, all over Facebook — posted by people from over there. Typical West Hills selfish behavior.”

One of countless mentions across social media follow-
 ing the debut of the West Hills rainbow. Image: Twitter.

Some at tonight’s meeting took issue with the fact that the rainbow was scheduled for a time when most Canoga Park residents were still at work, while West Hillians, many independently wealthy or working from comfy home offices, merely needed to step outside, or just peer out of enormous double-pane bay windows, perhaps while sipping a warm cup of hot cocoa, to view it.

Reached by phone for comment, Bob Rawlins, president of the of the West Hills Neighborhood Council, exclaimed “I really don’t see what the big deal is. We got all the necessary permits and paid all the fees. They can go down to City Hall if they want to. Everything’s on file.

“And as a matter of fact, we did alert Canoga Park about it. We sent someone over to that street fair you people had going on yesterday [Carne Asada Aroma Competes With Idling Classic Car Exhaust Fumes at 15th Annual Día De Los Muertos Festival, November 1], and passed out flyers.”

The Quilt obtained a copy of the flyer, and while it does alert local residents to the impending multicolored arc, it specifically warns them not to look directly at it. When pressed, Rawlins admitted that looking at the rainbow posed no danger to Canoga Park residents’ eyes but he “just didn’t think it was fair for those living outside of the West Hills area to view something they didn’t pay for.” He admitted the flyer “might have been worded better...but it’s ultimately not our fault if it was misinterpreted.”

“Oh, we’re not done with this, not by a long shot,” notes Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council attorney Lou Steinmart. “We’re looking into sanctions against West Hills. Hit ‘em where it hurts — in the ol’ pocketbook. Maybe even encourage our residents to stay away from that can recycling center by Ralphs, and out of Walmart and Ross Dress-For-Less for a few days. 

“...If that’s at all possible.”