News In Brief - June 15, 2014

Canoga Park Teens Celebrate Father’s Day

Hundreds of teenage boys throughout Canoga Park celebrated their first Father’s Day today by glancing at their ringing phones while hanging out with their friends at the gym and saying, “Aw, sh_t yo, it’s my baby’s mama. F_ckeeng I told her I’m busy today an’ sh_t.” Others, spending time, or chilling, with new girlfriends similarly made great shows of dismissing the near-constant phone calls and texts saying, “Naw, that’s just my ex an’ sh_t, she probably buggin’ me about dropping off some f_ckeeng Enfamil an’ sh_t later; bitch is such a f_ckeeng pain in my ass an’ sh_t,” all of which had an inexplicably aphrodisiacal effect on their latest paramours - which experts predict will result in a fresh crop of babies who will be approximately three months old this time next year.

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Lanark Pool Announces First Lost Diaper of the Season

Dora the Explorer and her cousin Diego took off for a swim on their own yesterday as Lanark Recreation Center’s Lanark Pool officially recognized the first diaper of the 2014 summer season that had worked itself free from its wearer. Lifeguard Erik O’Sullivan noticed the abandoned didey shortly after it made its way into the deep end of the 60 x 120’ public pool. “At first I thought it was a deflated beach ball,” says O’Sullivan. But when the 20-year-old, on summer break from classes at Pierce College Winnetka, noticed the other swimmers giving the floating mass such a wide berth, he realized what it was. The disposable swim pants, a pair of Pampers Splashers, were removed from the pool quickly with the aid of a net on a long pole, although not before “a bunch of middle-school guys started winging it at one another,” according to O’Sullivan.

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CPFNC Organizes Fracking Committee

The Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council has organized a committee to explore the possibility of fracking beneath the Canoga Park Sand Mound. The Mound, a municipally-protected BPOS or big pile of sand at the southeast corner of Vassar and Valerio, is located over a large deposit of natural gas, according to a preliminary study of maps available in the LA Department of Public Works. The plan has already faced opposition from the the Southern California Gas Company which has issued a statement saying, “Yes, that ‘large deposit of natural gas’ is in the pipe delivering natural gas to our customers. Don’t start screwing with it.”

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Dog Haus Opens on Topanga Canyon Boulevard

Canoga Parkians have gone to the dogs - the hot dogs, that is. Yesterday the “Dog Haus” at 6501 Topanga Canyon Boulevard officially opened its doors in the space formerly occupied by the Fuji Grill, itself in a former Carl’s Jr restaurant. The first franchise location of the growing Pasadena-based hot dog chain celebrated by inviting locals for a free “Haus Dog” of choice on opening day. DeSoto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart dropped by with his girlfriend Sarah and each ordered an Old Town Dog. “Yeah, um, I’m kind of used to Pink’s hot dogs...? We generally go to Pink’s after seeing a reeeeeally obscure band at the Mint or after the Thirsty Crow closes down...? So, yeah, kinnnnda used to Pink’s. On LaBrea. In Hollywood. ...But this is good,” concedes Rauschebart, 28. “Oh, honey, you’ve got some carmelized onions in your beard,” adds Sarah.