By Burton Cantara, Quilt Staff
DATELINE: OWENSMOUTH AVENUE
Exciting news today for fans of municipal government and naked women: Three men affiliated with celebrated Canoga Park landmark Xposed strip club (and adjacent bar “The Wet Spot”) may be entering local politics: club owner Brad Barnes and employees Avi Feinstein and Chris Stark are running for positions on Canoga Park’s Friendly Neighborhood Council.
Readers with an interest in local issues and naked women are well aware that the gentleman’s club has been the subject of much negative press over the last year due to a complaint filed with the Los Angeles Office of Arbitrary and Occasional Zoning Enforcement by the LAPD stemming from a perceived high number of calls in the area surrounding the club.
“There’d been a lot of complaints about Xposed because of the industrial area where it’s located,” notes a member of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council who wished to remain anonymous. “There’s an auto parts store nearby. Jesus. Really, do we want a strip club near an auto parts store? What kind of message is that sending?”
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| The world-renowned Xposed Gentleman's Club: The fully-nude strip club is both a local business leader and the pride of Canoga Park. Staff photo. |
One solution to the alleged problems was to simply move the strip joint - an idea that had initially gained significant traction, the Quilt uncovered.
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| The local Women's Club is known far and wide for doing "good things for the community." Staff photo. |
Under the proposed agreement, Xposed and the women's club would share the space, with the women's club's two regular functions - its monthly meeting and the annual Holiday Crafts Bazaar - taking place during hours the strip club would be closed.
Ultimately, it was rejected for a handful of reasons: the inventory of Xposed’s adult novelty superstore “Private Moments” wouldn’t fit in the smaller club’s foyer, the moisture from Xposed's signature glass waterfall walls would have warped the Women's Club hardwood floors (and it would have "raised the dickens with my lumbago," notes Myrtle Hipkins, Canoga Park First-Wednesday-of-the-Month Women's Club Vice President In Charge of Clipping Denny's Coupons), and the wall-mounted display case containing photos of the "Canoga Park Poppies" - the club's hard-working volunteers - would have to make room for glamour shots of Xposed's attractive headliners, possibly leading to confusion over who would be available for a private lap dance on a particular night and who was responsible for the success of the 1964 "Socks for Tarzana" clothing drive.
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| Artist's conception of what an Xposed / Canoga Park First-Wednesday-of-the-Month Women's Club partnership might look like. |
However, had it gone through, a move to the residential setting of the Women’s Club facilities would have alleviated much of the problems the all-nude strip club now faces, city planners agree, since the women's club, established in 1914, is evidently not subject to any kind of legal enforcement, whatsoever, regarding noise ordinances or public urination.
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| L.C. Kimball continues to inspire women today. |
Xposed’s Community Outreach Liaison Frank McKane bristles when told of the women's club casual approach to nightclub management. “'Anything-goes' is not how we operate. Our security team would have seen to it that surrounding neighborhood would not be negatively impacted by noise or anything else from our customers.”
Several of the dancers at the club were excited about such a move when told about it but disappointed when they learned it was not to be.
“Aw, that would have been awesome because I live right over on Remmet near Valerio,” says Brandi-Lynne, 25. “It’s a much shorter walk to Jordan than all the way up Canoga. Especially in six-inch heels.”
“Ooh, I was all sadsies when I heard the move wasn’t going through,” pouts Amber Dakota, 22, in a plaintive, baby-doll voice. “I was actually going to change my stage name to Elsie-Kim Ballz as a tribute to [Women’s Club founder] L.C. Kimball. But the ‘Ballz’ on the end sounds a little drag-queeny, doesn’t it?” she giggles as she wrinkles her pert little nose. “Maybe just Elsie-Kim.”
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Had Xposed relocated to the Women's Club, a
team comprised of engineers, physicists, rocket
scientists and brain surgeons would have been
hired to figure out a way to keep these doors
closed. Currently they act as a megaphone,
broadcasting peppy, window-rattling, car
alarm-triggering music throughout the
neighborhood for all to enjoy. Staff photo.
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Residents in the area surrounding the Women’s Club echo their disappointment that Xposed will be staying put in its current location.
“That’s too bad - they’d have definitely been good neighbors,” sighs Téodor Pasternak, who lives nearby. “Some of us have been alarmed by the constant screaming of grade-school age children in the Women’s Club parking lot on the weekends. Certainly we presume they’re just running around unsupervised at midnight while Mom and Dad are getting loaded inside. But it’s a little concerning. I mean, are they playing tag or being attacked by possums? It’s hard to really gauge the tone of the screams over the blasting music.”
McKane notes that such issues would have no longer posed a problem. “No one under eighteen allowed on the premises. We don’t put up with bullsh_t. We keep doors closed and the surrounding area quiet. We know how to run a club professionally. And as a rule, possums are generally not aggressive.”
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| Canoga Park First-Wednesday-of-the- Month Women's Club member Doreen Farber. Photo: Fred Farber. |
Farber rolls her eyes dismissively when told of the neighbors’ concerns. “Oh, that again. Phpht. Look, we do good things for the community. Some of the money we raise hosting these weekend free-for-alls go towards the cost of pressure-washing the parking lot to get the odor of urine off the walls surrounding our property from our guests who stumble out of the club and pee outside. But you don’t hear the neighbors thanking us for doing that for them, do you?”
Editor’s Note: The election is being held Sunday March 16, 2014. Voting is at the Canoga Park Community Center, located at 7248 Owensmouth Avenue. Proof of residency or local gang affiliation required to vote. The Canoga Park Quilt is proud to endorse Brad, Avi and Chris for whichever respective positions they are running.
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