Mysterious Catastrophic Event Ties Up Entire Topanga Division From Following Up On Noise Complaint For Six Hours, Says LAPD

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE

An evidently enormous and catastrophic yet completely unidentified emergency prevented anyone from the entire Topanga Division of the Los Angeles Police Department to follow up on numerous calls for a noise complaint in Canoga Park on Sunday night.  According to reports the unknown incident was “so...um...huge that...er...that all available units were...uh...unavailable. For six hours.”

“Sunday nights, aaah, we kinda take it easy,” said (non-)responding Officer Hugh Sless. “Whoops! Eh...what I mean to say, er, is there was a really big...thing...going down... ...umm...on... ...uh...Whatsit Street — yeah, let’s go with that. All units were...um...occupied.  It was a... ...eh... ...major incident. We were all...ya know... ...busy...dealing with that. For — how long did that party last? — for, right!, six hours. All of us were tied up with that other thing, whatever it was. Everyone. Sure, why not?”

Everyone was busy! Handling a situation! For six hours! Fun!  Photo: Eh, we got it from the YouTube.

Details of the cataclysmic yet wholly ambiguous emergency—that apparently unfolded in an undisclosed area without sirens or police helicopter presence and kept any and all police officers from responding to multiple calls about a "party so fucking loud the ground was shaking" for six hours—were not so much sketchy as completely non-existent.

Explains renowned canogaparkologist Bob Farrell of the Owensmouth/Canoga Historical League, “With great reverence for our local police, I would tend to doubt the whole ‘big emergency elsewhere’ explanation.

Historianist Bob Farrell. File photo.

“In the entire history Canoga Park, there has never ever been a single instance of an out-of-control loud party which has been curtailed by the police and not ended as it would have anyway, at whatever time those in attendance just get tired of maintaining a sustained level of chaos, they run out of cheap booze or just pass out on the ground.”

That’s not to say that police never show up, he notes: “Oh, they do. But they do so at least six to eight hours after the last complaint has been lodged — long after the party has ended organically on its own, in a studied effort to prevent any kind of noise enforcement. It’s quite fascinating, actually.”

Indeed, independent research confirms that there is no record of any noise citations ever being issued in Canoga Park’s 108 year history. “It’s a record we’re proud of,” beams Officer Sless.

Noise from the boisterous wing-ding was reported up to a half-mile away from the party’s Vassar Avenue and Cohasset epicenter, on what would otherwise have been a peaceful Sunday night and featured among other things, eleven Banda musicians plus a singer all evidently performing different songs simultaneously, poorly, with the festivities drawing to a close sometime after midnight. Partygoers, led by their young children, had stumbled to vehicles by twelve-thirty and drunkenly drove home; or in all likelihood, headed to other parties elsewhere for more carousing, and later, more drunken driving.

LAPD West Valley Public Relations Support Officer In Charge Of Having To Reluctantly Deal With The Public, Reed N. Malloy says, “Technically, this isn’t an issue at all. We’re pleased to note that noise complaints have long been on a growing list that now encompasses over three dozen different crimes we will no longer respond to nor enforce in an effort to build a sense of trust with Canoga Park’s vibrant law-breaking community.”

Malloy did note, however, that LAPD’s legendary long wait times to reach a non-emergency dispatch operator were marginally shorter than they’ve been in recent months, so now citizens will “at least have to wait a few seconds less to report something we’re just going to ignore anyway. So that’s good, right?”